08 Dec Toxicity
I know this person. She’s been in my life for as long as I can remember, and for the majority of my life I thought that she was my friend. We do everything together. We go to the movies and theme parks with each other. We eat out together. We vacation together from time to time. We even went to school with each other for most of our lives. I’m not joking when I say that we spend a good portion of our time with one another. The thing is though that whenever I’m around her I feel like I can’t be myself. I’m ALWAYS on edge and trying to regulate myself so that I don’t end up getting on her bad side. When we were kids she would shoot me a dirty look if I did something as simple or as harmless as crossing my legs when I was sitting down. I always did well academically, and I never rubbed my success in anyone’s face, but when I was around her she would always make me feel bad because I was doing so well. There was even this one time in my life (when I was at my lowest) when she said something to me that was so nasty and hurtful that it made me wonder how anyone could be this mean (I even think about this moment to this day). And even though I was monitoring my behavior around her for years, I didn’t realize that it was something that I was doing until my junior year in college.
During my first semester in my junior year, I studied abroad, and for the first time in my life I felt free. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells because she wasn’t there, and it felt so good. Because I didn’t have to be around her every day (or almost every day), I was able to say what I wanted and do what I wanted to do. It took me awhile to figure out why I was so happy, but when I did I told myself that I had to cut ties with her. That’s what I told myself, but it didn’t end up happening. She wound up studying abroad in the spring, and while she was gone, I continued to enjoy my new found freedom. I even talked to one of my friends about the realization that I had come to, and she let me know that since she met she had always wondered why I let this individual treat me so badly. I went through the rest of that semester as happy as can be, but when this person came back after her semester abroad, we just picked up where we left off. We continued to hang out, and I continued to regulate my behavior, but now that I was aware of what I was doing, I began to resent her acting in such a way that made me feel like I couldn’t be myself, and unfortunately, that’s still the case to this day.
I know that she’s not good for me, but I just can’t seem to shake her. It’s probably because I’ve known her for so long. But the thing is, if I ever want to get to a place in my life where I can truly start to be myself and enjoy me for me then I know that I have to cut her out of my world. It’s hard because she’s been around forever, but it’s something that I know I need to do. And, I encourage you to do the same thing if you ever find yourself around somebody who is toxic. I know I sound hypocritical for telling you to kick these people to the curb, but I’m doing it because I don’t want you to feel the same way that I do. Toxic people are not good for you, and that’s exactly why you need to find the strength to cut them from your life. You deserve to happy positive thinker, but keeping toxic people around will stop you from becoming the happiest that you can be. You have to choose yourself. You might end up making that other person mad when you make that decision, but at the end of the day it’s your life and you have to do what’s best for you.
That’s what I’m going to try to do, and I hope you do to!